Simple thoughts...

from 2011 to 2012

2012-01-02T09:40:00.000-08:00

Wow... what a year!
2011 had it's ups and it's downs
My son finally graduated and started college.
He also became a man that I am extremely proud of. He wants to fall in his Opa's footsteps and serve this country. I really couldn't be more proud as a mother, of the person my son has turned out to be!
2011 was my year to finally give up on a loveless relationship and concentrate on me!!!
No regrets, no animosity... you just realize when it isn't meant to be.

In 2011 my students finally reached a score of 99% on TAKS... wow! I would have gotten a 100% but one of my students had a grudge against school... oh well. Now we are on to a new test and a new challenge.

Summer 2011 was a lot of fun. Family, Friends, food, and alcohol... do you need anything else??
My friend Jessica was my major partner in crime!! What a blast we had! River road Ice house was a high light for sure...
Went to go see Mark McKinney in concert there, ended up getting a "cabin" with no sheets or pillows, lol... and getting locked out of "cabin" about 3am and sleeping in the back of her truck after trying everything to get back into the room!!! Finally got back into the room around 9am with a butter knife!!! lol
Hung out a lot with Jessica at Texas South, which is where I met him!!!
They always say that you will find love when you stop looking... and damn if it didn't!!!
The first time I met "him" I was less than feeling myself... a few too many Coors lites... but we danced and it felt good. I didn't let him know that I remembered what happened, but I do. I just didn't want to get caught up in another relationship that would go no where. I was content playin darts with my girls and just having a good time.
You made an impression on me... I remember you getting up and singing that night also, Creed> my own prison.
The next time I saw you, nothing!!! I mean nothing!!!! lol... whatever dude!!! that was my exact emotion to you! but now I know what had your attention... haha
August 1st I saw you again at TS and that was the night you would not leave me alone!!! lol
You kept asking me to dance and telling me that you would make me fall in love with you...
Long story short... we haven't been apart since that night and yes.... YOU TOLD ME SO!!!!

2011 ended with me finally getting my knight in shining armor!!!!!

2012 will surely be filled with a lot of emotion and new experiences. It is already off to a great start... peace, love, and unequivocal happiness!!

12-24-11

2012-01-02T09:13:00.000-08:00

Wow... Life has really thrown me a curve ball! I have fallen in love with a man who I can't see my life without. He is everything that I have been wishing for.
I didn't think that this would ever happen to me, but it has. I always wondered what it would be like to have a man think that you were his everything. Now I know!! Normally I am better with writing my feelings down, but for some odd reason, I can't find the words that express exactly how I feel. I think I just have too many emotions going.
I am still scared that one day he will wake up and think he's made a big mistake.
I find myself getting lost in his eyes, just looking into a sea of happiness.
I find myself giving up sleep just to watch him sleep.
I can't get enough of his laugh, smile, and look of complete happiness.
I love that he is emotional about things that are important to him.
I love that he always puts me first, in everything.
I love that we have so much in common. We are each others ying and yang. I have never shared so many similarities with another person.
I love that he includes my son in the things that we do, and that he just wants to be the father figure that he has never had.
I love that he finds enjoyment in cooking, building, and planning for the future.
I love how we make love to each other body and soul!
I love that we can talk about anything and everything!
I love that on Christmas Eve, this beautiful man asked me to be his wife! Wow...
I love that he asked everyone in my family for permission to marry me... who does that anymore?
I love the fact that he was extremely nervous and for once couldn't find his words... The look in his eyes and the emotion in his voice was earth shattering... I couldn't hear what anyone else was saying, it was like we were the only two people in the room. I felt like I couldn't get the word, "YES" out fast enough.
I can't see my life without this man. He is my everything! Most importantly he has become my best friend, my lover, my greatest emotion!
I can't wait to become his wife!
Life... wow!

Could it be???

2011-09-06T16:32:00.000-07:00

Could it be, that you are the one??
I am cautiously optimistic...
I want to believe all the things you say...
I want to let you in...
I want to be your one and only, but I am scared.....
Could it be that you are my knight in shining armor??
I can't believe how quickly things are moving and it feels soooo right.....
Could you be the one that I will finally give my heart to...
Will you be the one to hold it with both hands and not tear it apart?
Could you be my best friend and my lover?
I miss you when you aren't here and hang on every word you say when you are...
The way you look at me melts me to the core....
Your touch makes my knees weak and I can't wait for you to hold me in your arms...
Could you really be the one???

Steve Holy - Love Don't Run lyrics

2011-07-31T11:23:00.000-07:00

You can take from an extreme high to a real low.
I don't think you give one seconds thought of how you make me feel when you cancel me out of your plans or say the things that you do. Or when you say nothing at all.
I just want to know, before I die, what it feels like to really be loved by a man.

Sarah McLachlan- Stupid (mark bell mix)

2011-06-15T18:10:00.000-07:00

I am a fool when it comes to love...
I am a fool for you...
the one I want...
but doesn't want me...
When will I learn...
To let you go...
And worry only about me...

A Fine Frenzy - Almost Lover

2011-05-17T18:09:00.000-07:00

Story of my life...
Just when you get your hopes up...
they come crashing down!
Where is the man that is strong enough, secure enough, and mature enough to deal with a women who has everything but the eternal love of a man.
What does it feel like to have someone think of you day in and day out. A man that isn't afraid of emotion. A man that would hold you up instead of trying to bring you down.
Why are men afraid of a secure, confident, nurturing female?
This song IS the story of my life in relationships!
Giving up on being a hopeless romantic!! Just not in the cards for me in this life... maybe the next life will be better?

ADELE- MAKE YOU FEEL MY LOVE LYRICS!

2011-05-10T17:33:00.000-07:00

Adele - Rolling In The Deep

2011-05-10T17:20:00.000-07:00

"never getting married again"!

2011-05-10T17:03:00.000-07:00

I am a magnet for men that say, " I don't want to ever get married again!"!
WTF... why do men feel they need to share that bit of information?
Wouldn't it be easier and nicer to just say nothing at all and just let the relationship end on a good note?
Is it advertising? Are they trying to see what you will do?? Or is it that they are afraid of actually falling in love again and being hurt??
Men say women are confusing..... I say, Men are wayyyy more confusing!!
Where oh where is my knight in shining armor????
Where is the man that will make all my dreams come true???

Honesty??

2011-04-12T17:32:00.000-07:00

Why try to be honest?? People don't seem to appreciate it.
I have tried to live my life in the most honest way I know.
People ask me for advice but then don't appreciate it when I tell them the truth!
I don't like secrets, they just come back to haunt you later.
So why is it that people don't appreciate it, but they expect it!
To the people who can't handle it, I'm sorry.
I am who I am and I don't think I will be changing anytime soon....

Boys and Harley's

2011-03-15T08:41:00.000-07:00

Wow...
There is nothing more exciting than wrapping your arms around a guy and holding on tight!!!!
The vibration, the excitement, the total freedom of it all!!!!
It's the modern day version of a knight in shining armor!!!!!!!
Thank you...

confused...

2011-02-20T19:38:00.000-08:00

Long distance relationships are hard enough.
How do you maintain a relationship if you don't talk, text or write each other. Maybe I am missing something. Maybe it's not the relationship I thought it was.
I was fine before you showed up. I'm not sure what to make of this. Maybe I am just overreacting. It's hard for me to look forward to talking to you and then not being able to. Just not sure what to do with this. All I want is honesty. I know you didn't want to tell me what to do. I know I made the decision to wait for you but I think I need to find balance again.
I don't know, I'm just so confused and you're not there to talk to.

Faults...

2011-02-20T19:16:00.000-08:00

Impatient would be at the top of my fault list. I want everything now... I don't like to settle for less. I have tried to be patient and things still don't turn out. I don't like it when a person doesn't respond to me. I have all the patience in the world for my students and my son, but little else for anyone or anything else. I don't know why?!
Quitter, if things aren't going my way... I just give up. I get easily discourage. If I feel that I am giving more than anyone else, I just throw my hands up and say forget it!!
Hopeless Romantic... while some may not consider this a fault, it is. I have this ideal guy in mind and if a person doesn't fit that mold, I don't want it. I have learned in my years to compromise my ideology but still find it hard to let go of the things I really want in a man.
How can you work through the faults that hold you back? How do you let go and just enjoy? How do you not look to see all the faults in another?
How do I allow my insecurities/faults to not get in the way of my happiness??

Snow Day 2011

2011-02-04T12:08:00.000-08:00

One for the record books... it has snowed again in South Texas. What makes it so funny is that EVERYTHING shut down.
We must be the laughing stock of the north and east coast.
All major roads shut down, school cancel and most everything else is closed!
We Texans just don't know how to handle this stuff!!
We will drive in Hurricane force wind and rain, chase Tornado's, and not think twice about grass fires... but give us a little ice and snow... and we freak out!
Since we don't get it but once every twenty years or so... it is super exciting when we do. Kids go outside and play, snow men are made... even if they are only 4 inches tall, and snow angles are attempted.
It was an exciting day... but the ice is still a nightmare!!
I hope everyone enjoyed their snow day!!

Back Seat...

2011-01-30T16:37:00.000-08:00

I am tired of being in the back seat...
I need to stop putting my life on hold and live...
Come what may...
I need to get back to me before it's too late...

My son never ceases to amaze me...

2011-01-22T22:33:00.000-08:00

Today I read a letter to my son that I had written when he was born.
I had forgotten all about it until my mother reminded me that she had it.
So today I read it to him, we both almost started crying. It was my raw emotion after his birth.
My son had serious health issues when he was born and I basically wrote a day by day diary of his first couple of weeks.
He just sat there as I read it to him, because he couldn't read my handwriting, and I think he was pretty amazed as to what all had happened. The emotions that his father and I had those days were right there. He doesn't have a relationship with his father, but I think it makes him feel better knowing that his father actually cared, once.
After I got finished reading it to him, he kept hugging me all day and telling me how wonderful of a mother I was.... just melted my heart! How did I get so lucky??
I am absolutely amazed at the man he is turning out to be... he is so smart about things that i have no clue about. He wants to be a physicist, couldn't even spell it, thank god for spell check! I just get caught up in the things he tells me about science and the things he wants to do... Watch out world, he will be winning a Nobel Peace prize for science!!!
I am so honored and humbled to be able to call him my son!!

Wishing...

2011-01-22T22:19:00.000-08:00

and waiting...
why is it so hard to be away from someone?
I find myself thinking about you all the time. I wonder what you are doing, what you are thinking, and if I ever cross your mind.
Time goes by so slowly... it feels as if I will never see you again.
I wonder what you will you think when you do come back. Will you still feel the same way or will you want something else.
I often wish I had spent more time with you.
I wish I were younger, so I can give you what you so desperately want.
I wish I could give you all your dreams and wishes...
Wish I would have known about your feelings sooner...
I wish I could feel your lips on mine...
feel your arms around me and hear your voice in my ear...
Look into your eyes and just get lost in them...
dance one more dance...
drink one more pitcher...
I want to show you so much about me and my life...
what I am all about, what I like to do, who my friends are...
you just saw a little bit of it...
I want so much for you to be a part of my everyday...

Exile kiss you all over with lyrics

2011-01-16T15:59:00.000-08:00

Unbelievable-Josh Gracin

2011-01-12T15:52:00.000-08:00

Is this how you feel??

Pink Floyd-Wish You Were Here

2011-01-08T10:28:00.000-08:00

Guns N' Roses - Sweet Child O' Mine

2011-01-08T10:18:00.000-08:00

Deep Breath

2011-01-06T17:25:00.000-08:00

Wow... i really need to take a step back and breathe!!
Reread my posts... amazing what a kiss can get you into!
Think I need to step back and take a nice long look at what happened over Christmas break.
No regrets... simply amazing! But I need to breathe!!
Life goes on and if it's in the cards to happen, it will happen.

I Want to know what love is - Foreigner

2011-01-05T18:39:00.000-08:00

I want to know what it is like to be in someone's every thought.
I want to know what it is like to be someone's first thought when they wake up and last thought before they go to bed.
I want to know what it is like to be that person's first priority.
What does it feel like to have someone think of you before themselves?
I want to know what unconditional feels like...
I want to know what it is like to be forgiven and still loved.
I want to know what it is like to wake up next to someone everyday.
I want to know what it is like to look at someone like you're looking at them for the very first time.
I want to know what love is.... true love!

Bricks....

2011-01-05T17:49:00.000-08:00

How do you know when to say the things that need to be said, without feeling like you are putting your heart out there to be hurt again.
Too many emotions today...
Waiting patiently for you to come back.... I hope that the separation only makes our feelings for each other stronger!

You make me love you

2010-12-30T22:47:00.000-08:00

I feel the winds are changing and I am for once embracing them.

I have always been afraid of getting too close to someone or letting someone get close to me. Each time the heart gets broken another brick goes up around the heart I try so hard to protect, but that I give completely. How is it possible to allow someone to come in and knock it all down. Hoping and praying that it isn't another let down. Wanting to see if this will be the person to take all the worries away and be my everything.

In past relationships, the fire burned hot at the beginning but then died very quickly. I've tried to use different strategies with relationships; playing hard to get, not playing hard to get, being girlie, being confident, being meek, and just trying to be me....
I've noticed all I have to be is myself... what a nice feeling that is. I don't have to pretend to like things that I really don't... don't have to save face to keep from getting into an argument. I can actually say something, and he listens... He actually wants to know what MY interests are and appreciates them! He takes time to make sure that I am happy! He appreciates honesty and lives by it!
Can couples overcome age? Location? Hardships? What is the key? Is it that no matter what, you look into each others eyes and realize how you fell in love in the first place??
Is it normal to always laugh with that person?? That they make you happy just doing nothing except looking at you?
God, I hope this is not a dream..... because you make it easy to fall in love with you!

Caruso : Josh Groban [with on-screen lyrics]

2010-12-30T15:13:00.000-08:00

EROS RAMAZZOTTICUANTO AMOR ME DAS

2010-12-29T19:56:00.000-08:00

Katy Perry - Teenage Dream

2010-12-29T19:30:00.000-08:00

Feelin Like a Teenager!!

2010-12-29T19:28:00.000-08:00

You make me feel like a teenager again...
the way you look into my eyes...
the way you hold my hand...
the way you kiss me with all that you are...

Your words swim in my head and make me smile....
Your eyes make me want to go to the ends of the earth with you...
I have so much I want to say, but yes, I am afraid...
I want to trust and listen to my heart,
but I am scared...
I want to just jump in with both feet and not care about anything else except us...
I know what I am feeling for you!
And I will trust in my heart to tell me what is right... although I already know the answer...

Death

2010-11-13T21:46:00.001-08:00

Why does death always make you think about living?
I lost a friend this week. We grew up together and we are the same age. Scary to think that life was taken with so little time on this planet.
I wonder if I will ever find what it is I am looking for.
Death makes you want to make changes in the way you look at life.
Suddenly I want to exercise, stop smoking, and keep in touch with friends that I think will be there forever.
I wonder what people will say about me, when it is time. I wonder what memory will pop into their heads when they hear that I am gone??
How long will it take people to completely forget about me?
What impact will I have had on people?
Will anyone ever name there kid after me?? I have a really cool name!
Interesting the things you think about at a time like this.

Careful what you say...

2010-09-06T16:04:00.001-07:00

I try to understand why people say the things they say.
Why can't people say what they really mean, and not hide behind "gossip"?
The saying is true, if they gossip with you... they will gossip about you!!
Gossip and rumors can be very hurtful. When you try to get in the middle of it, you end up regretting ever getting involved!
I am the type of person that will tell it just like it is. I can't understand why other people don't do the same! Life would be so much easier if people would just say what they really want to say.
I wish everyone would learn to appreciate everyone for their differences! If you don't like what that person says... tell them. If you don't like what a person is doing... tell them!! How can we learn to be better friends, lovers, and neighbors... if we don't say anything!!
Everyone wants honesty, but few can handle it without getting their feelings hurt.
Life would be so much better if we just learned to be open and listen without getting upset!

Summer thoughts

2010-06-17T11:02:00.000-07:00

Summer is here and I find myself still thinking about you.
I try to go about my life without you in it, but find that I still can't get you out of my mind. I want to go back and start again. I want to feel your arms around me again. I want to see the look of love in your eyes again for me.
Finding another is not a problem, finding one that is you... impossible.

Can't wait....

2010-04-28T15:44:00.000-07:00

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Summer is almost here! Kiddo's are testing this week.
I really don't understand how a student can sit in a classroom for 9 months and not learn a damn thing! Teachers use all kinds of methods to get kids to understand concepts, but for some reason you still here, "but I don't know anything".
How can states and bureaucrats even consider attaching a teacher's paycheck to how a student performs on a test?
Anywhoooo, I am excited that this year is almost over! This year has been interesting. I actually had a real mix of students, from the really smart to the really ??? challenged (is that politically correct enough).
Can't wait to see what the summer will bring.
Next year will be extremely hard. My son will be a senior and off to start his life. Not sure I will be able to handle it.
I'm sure that there will be more than enough drama to go around during the summer, but hope that it won't!

Can't breath...

2010-03-30T18:13:00.000-07:00

I can't breath without you!
you still are on my mind night and day
you still make me nervous when I talk to you
you still take me to that special place in my heart
I can't breath without you!
The touch of your lips on mine
makes me tremble,
the feel of your hands on me
makes me want you even more,
the sound of your voice
sends chills down my spine
I can't breath without you!
I want you to hold me, always
I want you to kiss me, softly
I want you to make love to me, deeply
I want you to want me...
I can't breath without you...

What are they thinking?

2010-03-03T17:39:00.000-08:00

When mandated testing got started they said that it would only be a measure of student performance. The test would help us to know how our students are doing compared to other districts and states.
Now this "animal" is responsible for the firing of teachers, and people thinking that teachers are the problem.
Has anyone been in a school lately, start at the elementary and work your way up. Have you ever just walked in and looked around. Listen to the conversations that the students are having with each other, notice all the girls that are pregnant, all the students with no supplies, all the gang bangers, thugs, and listen to the language that comes out of kids mouths???? Are these the faults of the teachers???
Schools got started with the teacher, not the administration, policy makers, and people who supposedly know what is good for schools!
No one listens to us! No one really cares! Politicians only use education as a platform to get elected. They don't really care what happens. When something needs real attention, the politicians seem to fix it with a band-aide or a grenade!
No Child Left Behind is a joke!!! Special Education is a joke!! Why are kids dropping out of school???? BECAUSE THEY CAN'T READ!!! It is next to impossible to fail a student in Special Education. These kids have been put into "regular" classrooms so their Psyche won't be hurt, never mind they read on a 1st-5th grade level in an 8th grade class!! Why do we have so many problems in math, same reason! Kids don't have to memorize anything anymore.
Whatever happened to the basics??? Oh yeah, we want our kids to think on a higher level, yeah... tell me how that is supposed to happen when they can't even think on a basic level!!!!
Teachers today spend so much time doing paperwork to cover their asses, that they don't have time to do anything else! Why do we have to put up with kids assaulting us? Administrators threatening us, and Politicians telling us we all suck!!!
I challenge them to go to any inner city school and teach for a year and then tell me who's fault all this is! Maybe then, they will come up with some solutions to "fix" education! Or the parents! Or the numerous programs put into place!
What was so wrong with vocational training? Why can't we get some of these kids out of school and put them in job training. If a student hates school and does nothing but ruin it for everyone else, get them out and give them some practical training!!!
Why is the teacher always the blame for failing scores?? Why is it that teachers can get fired for something a student does wrong or for the failure of the system?
It's funny but when we are going through our "state mandated" training for testing, I always ask, after being told that I could lose my license for this and for that... what happens to the student if they do something wrong during testing... the answer is always, NOTHING!!!!
What would happen if all the teachers across the nation were to go on strike??? What would the parents do?? No babysitter?? How am I going to go to work?? What would the government do?? Finally listen to us???
Last question... why don't you ever hear of them cleaning house with the administration of a district??? Why isn't the entire school board, principals, vice-principals, secretaries, administrative secretaries, specialists for each area, assistance to the assistant, and everyone else who gets paid way more money than I do, fired??!!
Just had to ask...

What i wish you would say....

2010-03-03T17:25:00.000-08:00

Spending all my nights and all my money going out on the town
Doing anything just to get you off of my mind
But when the morning comes I'm right back where I started again
And trying to forget you was just a waste of time

Baby come back, any kind of fool could see
There was something in everything about you
Baby come back, you can blame it all on me
I was wrong and I just can't live without you

All day long wearing a mask of false bravado
Trying to keep up a smile and hide the tears
But as the sun goes down I get that empty feeling again
How I wish to god that you were here

Baby come back, any kind of fool could see
There was something in everything about you
Baby come back, you can blame it all on me
I was wrong and I just can't live without you

Now that I put it all together
Give me the chance to make you see
Have you used up all the love in your heart
Nothing left for me, is there nothing left for me

Baby come back, any kind of fool could see
There was something in everything about you
Baby come back, listen baby, you can blame it all on me
I was wrong and I just can't live without you
I was wrong and I just can't live
Hall & Oats

Where is my knight in shining armor, where is the man that will make me feel special and wanted.
You will miss me, you will regret it, you will want to say more... but won't because you don't want to be vulnerable. I understand.

Not worth the fight?

2010-02-22T18:49:00.000-08:00

Just wondering how someone can tell you they love you one day and not talk to you the next?
What does it mean these days to love someone?
Do you fight for them, even though you may not want what they want?
Do you still try to at least figure things out or do you just walk away?
And why does everything have to be a game??
What ever happened to being truthful and open with each other?
What happened to having a relationship? One in which you are supposed to be able to talk about everything. A relationship where you can express your wants and desires and still know that things will be ok.
I want forever, yes! But I also know that I want you! I am not sorry for telling you that I WANT a knight in shining armor, that I WANT a meaningful relationship, that I WANT to know that the person I am with, WANTS to be with me too! I know the pain you feel, I know the distrust you have, I know you don't want to go through that again! TRUST ME, I KNOW!!
It saddens my heart to know, that to you, I'm not worth the fight!

Getting harder

2010-02-18T16:10:00.000-08:00

Why is it so hard to just wait?
I miss you and wish you would just call.
I know and realize that you can not commit to forever,
but would it be too much to commit to right now?
I wanted someone who would appreciate me, not use me for convenience.
Everything started out so great! What happened? How did we go from calling each other all day long to just once a day?
How did you go from kissing me all night, to barely wanting to hold me?
How did you manage to make time in the beginning, to having no time for me now?
Is it so bad to want to spend as much time with you as possible? Is it bad to want to know how your day went? Is it a fault that I make you a priority in my life?
I want so badly to call you, but I can't... I need you to want this! I need you to miss me, to appreciate what we had and to realize that I am not her and I don't want to go anywhere! I just want to be a part of your life and feel the love you have to offer.

Great Timing

2010-02-15T17:42:00.000-08:00

Heart broken once again.
Where is my knight in shining armor? When will I find that person that will actually put me ahead of everything else? When will I find the man that actually WANTS to spend time with me, appreciate the things I do for him, and not get cold feet.
Why do men do that? Act like you are their universe until THEY decide they still want to be independent?
Whatever happened to love at first sight?
Whatever happened to saying what you mean, and meaning what you say?
Why do men tell you they love you, when they really don't? Has the meaning of love changed? I always thought that telling someone you loved them was allowing yourself to be vulnerable. The same way people will tell you that there is a difference between making love and just having sex.
Do men really think that women want to just be in a relationship for the sex?? Maybe there are women out there that are willing to do that, but sooner or later someone falls in love, and gets hurt.
This one hurts, I had hoped that the one had found me.

TAXES

2010-02-06T17:01:00.000-08:00

I thought I would get a fairly decent income tax check this year! Yeah, NOT!
Nothing was more depressing than filling out my 1040 and seeing just how much I wasn't getting back this year. I have always used my tax's as a mini savings account. Money to be spent to hold me over for the year. Not this time!
Being a single mother, working two jobs, I just figured that I would receive the same, if not more, than I had in the past!
Jokes on me... this was the smallest amount in years, and I pretty much earned the same amount as previous years.
Why is the middle class always getting raped by the government?? I thought that change was coming. I thought that the middle class, for once, would get a break! I was so wrong! It's hard enough to try and put a little back in the saving account each month, save for college, and keep money in 3 retirement funds!! WTF!! What do I really have to look forward to in the future?
It is so damn hard to survive on one income!

Passion

2009-12-22T15:16:00.000-08:00

“Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping... waiting... and though unwanted... unbidden... it will stir... open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us... guides us... passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we'd know some kind of peace... but we would be hollow... Empty rooms shuttered and dank. Without passion we'd be truly dead.”
Quote by Joss Whedon

Mortality

2009-11-27T12:42:00.000-08:00

It scares the shit out of me when I hear that a person close to me has passed away. I stop and think about all the conversations that we've had. I think about all the times that I saw that person, and listened to their thoughts, dreams, wishes, and problems. I realize that I will never get to hear that voice again or see them again and it scares me!

What will people remember about me?? How long will people remember me? I haven't done anything that would put my name in the history books. I haven't invented something that will be synonymous with my name.
I have always wanted to do a movie of my life that would be played at my funeral. I want people to see what I was about, what was important to me, and who was important to me. I have gone to too many funerals where no one says anything about the person who has died.

As for me, I want a party!!! I want people to say what they really thought about me, it's not like I'm going to care.
Do you ever wonder if your presence on this planet has influenced anything. I think all the time, "if I weren't here, would things for the people I've met be different?" I don't know exactly how to explain. I know that's kind of a "duh" statement, but how exactly would it be different?
I wonder if my X would have ever joined the marines?? Or gotten out of the Marines to join the Army? Would he have ever met his current wife? They seem to be very happy with each other.
Would my neighbor have succeeded in killing himself if I wasn't there for him to talk to? Would my girlfriends have had as good a time without me, clubbin, bbqing, meeting guys??? If I hadn't opened my door for a friend, where would she have gone? Out on the streets? Into another bad situation?
If I weren't here would the students that I have taught been different? Would they have chosen different paths?
Would the men that I have gone out with ever found their true love?? I have that effect on men, it seems that when they break up with me they find and marry the next person... weird?!
We never realize the profound effect we have on each other. I have always tried to live my life to the fullest, love to the fullest, and find the positive in most things! You just never know when your last day on this planet may be, so I try and let all those that mean something to me, know just how much I care about them!
To all those who have touched my life....THANK YOU!
To all those that have touched my heart....KNOW THAT I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!
To all those that have crossed me.... I FORGIVE YOU!
To all those that I have crossed.... I AM SORRY!
I will always hold on to this philosophy: "Work like you don't need the money; Love like you've never been hurt; Dance like nobody's watching."
Try to always have a positive impact on a person, because I believe it's easier to tear a person apart then it is to build them back up!

Let the feelings go...

2009-11-23T08:35:00.000-08:00

To need you is hard for me,
I have always taken care of everything,
it's hard to let go and trust in another.
Life is easy, relationships for me are hard.
I find that I end up saying all the wrong things,
or saying nothing at all.

Why be in a relationship?

2009-11-18T17:35:00.000-08:00

I wonder, why be in a relationship with another person if your still going to be lonely?
Isn't the point of being in a relationship so that you can BE with another person?
I mean, why start something if you know that time is your enemy?
Every moment that could be spent together, should be spent together... no matter how small a time that may be.
For some, just hearing the other person's voice is considered time spent together. Getting an unexpected visit, even for just a few hours is precious. Having your phone ring with a text message, saying how much they miss you is enough. Planning a unexpected meeting somewhere for a few minutes, just to look into each others eyes, is magical.
We get into relationships for the excitement of it, the getting to know a whole other person and what they like to do? What surprises are they going to have for you and you for them? Learning how much you are alike or not alike? Talking about nothing and everything?
Relationships are all about the butterflies and feeling like you are the only two people on the planet that feel this way about each other. Relationships are about being able to accept the flaws and faults of the other person and still have those butterflies.
Relationships are also about planning a possible future together. That does not necessarily mean long term, but what are we doing next weekend, next month, or next year.

Can a person expect to be in a relationship if there is no time spent on the relationship?? I think the old saying is true, " you get out of it, what you put into it".
We are all busy in our day to day lives, and we can get caught up in the mundane of it, but just take a little time out for the one you love and let them know just how much you care.
One shouldn't feel lonely if they are in a relationship that truly matters.

Queen or Bitch???

2009-11-18T17:11:00.000-08:00

Question? Is the saying, "treat a queen like a bitch and a bitch like a queen" true?
I have found, in my small little world, that this is actually a true statement!
I have seen women, who are complete bitches to their partner, get treated like a queen. Is this what men really want? Is it for the thrill of never knowing whether or not your respected as a partner, the turn on?? Do men prefer to have a women that argues and treats them like crap?
I know of three women that treat their men like dirt! Yet the men stick around and don't seem to mind. I am confused?? Why?
I would think that men would prefer to be treated as a man, not a dog. I would think that respect for the other person is a top priority, not seeing who can out tongue lash the other?
Maybe I live in a fantasy world, where love and respect for each other is more important than arguing and belittling each other.
Why do men, and women, stay in these relationships?
Why do men treat women who are nice, thoughtful, respectful, and caring like a bitch?
I never have understood that.
Aren't we always told to treat others like we want to be treated? So what do you do when it doesn't happen? And what do you tell a friend that is in a toxic relationship and can't get out?
What do you do when you are in a relationship that is not appreciated or respected?
I know, the easy answer is... get out! But what if it isn't that easy?
I don't mean to sound like an idealist, but as a women... why can't the nice girls meet a nice guy and vice versa. Why do women feel they need to control a man?
Is there some underlying thrill for a guy to have a girl tell him everything to do?
Do men secretly need a women to tell them what to do???

Is it the thrill of the hunt????

I secretly think that it is... Where's my shotgun!

Questions...

2009-10-24T00:12:00.000-07:00

Why are the important questions in a relationship the hardest to ask?
How do you know when what you are asking is the right question?
How do I ask someone if they are in a relationship for just the physical part of it or the emotional part? Or both?
How do I ask if the questions I am having are because I am insecure or because I am scared of the possibilities?
How do I ask, and not run the risk of sounding needy or desperate?
Why does it have to be so hard to meet, fall in love, and get the happily ever after?
Why can't things just be...
Why do you have to work so hard to just be happy?

the X factor

2009-10-23T23:54:00.000-07:00

Life was good until recently.
My X and his family have moved back into the area.
I recently ran into him and his wife.
Why is it that when you see someone like that, it brings up all the dreaded memories that you have tried really hard to bury?
The feelings of mistrust, insecurity, and heartache come back like it was yesterday. You hear the heartache all over again.
How is that one person can make you feel so low?

The Feeling...

2009-09-22T13:25:00.000-07:00

The feeling I get when you are around is euphoric.
From the smallest look in your eyes, to the excitement in your voice,
it sends me to a place I haven't felt in a long time.
The feel of your kiss, the look on your face, the smile that tells me just how much you care.
It feels right, it feels natural... no pretending, no lies...
I love that you are a man's man. That you don't hold anything back, and that you are passionate in your beliefs and wants.
I love that you open my door!!! That you ask me what I want or need.
I love that you trusted our relationship enough to introduce me to your girls.
I love that you want to include me in the things that are important in your life.
I love that you have helped me to find the passion that was missing in my life!
I love that you are supportive in the things that I want to do.
I just love you!

stress...

2009-09-22T13:10:00.000-07:00

They say that money is the root of all evil, I think it is root of all stress!
Where once I had enough to get what I wanted, now I barely have enough to pay the bills!
I feel like a failure as a parent because I can't get my son what he wants or even what he needs! I used to enjoy being able to buy things for people or lend them money when they most needed it. I always figured that what comes around goes around. Now I am hoping that I win the lottery and not have to worry.
I wish I had enough money to just get my son a used car and afford the insurance, I wish I had enough to get my roof redone on my house, I wish I had enough money to get new tires for my car, I wish I had enough money to get my son his senior ring, I wish I had enough money to pay off some of my bills!
The stress of not having enough money would and has driven some people to the extreme! I just wonder, why???
I have actually gotten to the point of telling the man of my dreams that we might need to take a break for a while, so that I can look for a third job! Why do we work so hard for so little??? Why do we put relationships on hold, and force our kids to work for our short comings??? I don't want my son to work just yet... he will be working for the rest of his life, he will have to deal with this stress someday... just not now.
I am still optimistic in that all things work out the way they are supposed to, but it still sucks in the mean time!!!

Exciting new year?

2009-08-29T21:18:00.000-07:00

So far so good, have I jinxed myself??
I feel like this year will be the one to remember!
If I can hold on.
I am super excited about the students I have! They have so far shown me that they can actually think for themselves! WOW!
They have background knowledge of the events that we are going to study!
I feel like I have won the lottery!

I am starting this year with so many positives...
The bubble has to burst at some point or is it supposed to be like this?

Not knowing...

2009-08-23T08:41:00.000-07:00

Why is it when people are scared they argue?
Why do people fight with one another?
Honesty seems to take a back seat to emotion, why?
To me the innocence of a relationship gets lost when you have an argument.
Are arguments meant to show you just how you feel about someone? Does it show you that you really do care deeply for that person, or maybe you don't care at all?
What do you say when it's over? Do you forgive and forget? Do you learn from it? Does it show you the true emotion of someone?
A brick wall is very easy to build but extremely hard to tear down.
Why?

Six days and counting...

2009-08-06T21:18:00.000-07:00

Six days and counting before the summer officially ends!
I am looking forward to it and then I am not. This summer has been very interesting and I will be sad to see it come to an end.
I feel that I have accomplished a lot but then again, I feel like I haven't done much of anything.
I am afraid of things changing too much and there will be little time for the things that have developed. I am afraid of falling into the same 'ol routine and only having one day, Saturday, to do anything fun.
The school year hasn't even started and I am already looking forward to the first holiday... Thanksgiving!
I hope this year goes by as fast as the summer has!
Just get ready for me to rant and rave about the kids, other teachers, and of course the administration!
Good luck to those in the educational field, may the force be with you!

Walls....

2009-08-05T16:06:00.000-07:00

The trick is to be true to one's own self and keep the faith that the person who finally showed up is supposed to be in your life for that moment and hopefully for more moments to come. If we live in our past experiences too deeply, we might miss the moment that was intended to place us in the clouds. If we become so cynical and not believe ourselves the chance to be loved, then we doom ourselves to eternal misery.
After reading Wonko's post again, I have to comment on this paragraph. I wish I could have thought of it.
I believe that a lot of my failures in past relationships has come from living too much in the past. I think that no matter what anyone says, relationships take a little piece of your soul, every time they don't work out. This is why in a lot of songs artist will refer to "building a wall around my heart". I think we are all guilty of it. I probably built the biggest wall! Too afraid of feeling that pain again...
I became afraid to let someone in! I was subconsciously "dooming myself to eternal misery"! Even with my last relationship (the one that moved in unexpectedly ), I never fully allowed him in, thank God! That turned out to be a total nightmare! But I'll never forget my mother telling me that that relationship was the key that unlocked the door to the possibility of allowing myself a real relationship.
The man in my life now... makes me walk in the clouds! For the first time I am not afraid! Not afraid to hope, wish, dream... that everyday I feel like I did the day I met him.
I want to love him more tomorrow than I did today!

The dreams have started...

2009-07-31T12:47:00.000-07:00

I know I am not the only teacher that has "nightmares" before the start of the school year. Why after teaching so many years do I still get anxious? Are these unresolved issues from the previous year? Are they left over frustrations from the previous years kiddo's? Or is it that I am working out issues with the adults that I teach with, maybe the dreams have nothing at all to do with the kiddo's. Maybe it's the anxiety of having to deal with the same dumb ass people again!
You know education really does not have to be this difficult. Why does everyone feel they have the answer to our educational "problem"? There really is no problem, if politicians and school boards just allow the teachers to do their damn jobs!
If a student doesn't want to go to school, great... go out and get a damn job. Don't allow them to get on welfare until they have at least contributed to taxes that pay for welfare or they actually get their education.
Students don't want to behave... kick them out!!! If they would rather disturb and distract other students who do value their education, then get the flip out and GO TO WORK!!!! Sooner or later these same students are going to be sitting in a GED class wishing they had taken advantage of their education when they had a chance! I really find it hard to feel sorry for these kids, when there are kids in third world countries selling themselves for money, just to be able to pay for their education!
I think we should implement the "three strikes your out" rule for students... you screw up three times and your outta here!!!
OOOOOOOkkkaayyyyy... off my soap box for now, to be continued I'm sure... when school is in full swing!

define clingy...

2009-07-30T10:11:00.000-07:00

Guys say they don't want a girl who is clingy...
What does that mean?
What does clingy look like?

Do you hide your true feelings of wanting to be near that person?
Does it keep you from saying the things you really want to say?
Should it hinder your feelings towards that person?

How do you not say too much, but still say enough?
How do you show enough of yourself? What's the limit? Is there a limit?
Does all this really matter, when you look into each others eyes and just know, without saying a word?

The right decision

2009-07-30T10:04:00.000-07:00

hallelujah.... she has made the right decision!
The road to happiness will be long and hard.
Keep in mind however, the way you felt when you started this journey and remember that it is ok to not always agree.
Compromise is the key, individuality can still be achieved in a relationship.
Nothing says you have to act the same, look the same, or think the same.
Appreciate the differences and build on them.
Respect and trust in one another however, is key!

The root of all evil...

2009-07-30T09:20:00.000-07:00

Why is money the root of all evil?
Marriages break up over it,
Companies rise or fall because of it,
People will sell their souls for it!

Why can't we live in a society that bases wealth on the common good, instead of the individual gain?

I guess my real concern here is that a very close relative of mine is making the biggest mistake of her life, based on money!
I wish there was something I could do to make her see the mistake she's about to make. Why do we insist on learning everything the hard way??
Why can't I show her in a crystal ball the effect of her decision, not only on herself but the rest of the family as well!
I understand her need to be able to take care of herself and her child, but there are other ways besides moving 400 miles away.
At what point do you just wash your hands of the whole thing and hope that she doesn't fall flat on her face, crying to come back home.
I see what is going to happen; she will move far away(asking for money to do it because she hasn't saved up anything to do it on her own), have no support whatsoever, realize that it is harder than it looks and then beg for someone to come bail her out and move her back home!!
Money isn't everything! Family, friends, people that will be there for you when you are sick, lonely, tired, or broke is what should be important. Independence is a great thing when you can do it on your own.

School again...

2009-07-29T22:01:00.000-07:00

Already people are asking me when school is starting! I tell them, "too soon" they tell me, "not soon enough"
I do enjoy my summers, but honestly...
I am ready to get back to work, back to my routine and the predictability of it. I have to say that being able to get up whenever, do whatever, and go to bed whenever... gets boring.
I helped work on a house my mother bought. The time went by entirely too fast! And I still have a lot of work to do. But I am ready to see what challenges there will be this year.
Eager to see if this year continues to be as surprising as this summer was!
To my fellow educators...
may the force be with you! We continue to go through changes in our district and I just hope and pray we come out of this year ALIVE!

When you just know...

2009-07-15T07:56:00.000-07:00

How is it people can meet and fall in love instantly??
What is it that makes it possible?
Can it be explained? Can you read about it somewhere?
Do you just trust your instincts that it is what it is?
How do you not look into someones eyes and wonder, "what the hell took you so long to get here!".
Do we go through all the "other" relationships to learn how to appreciate the one that is really going to matter?

The wonder of Facebook

2009-07-15T07:54:00.000-07:00

It's official, I am now on Facebook! Not sure what the hell I am doing, but it is great to get in touch with people I haven't seen in a long time!
Truly though, I think I would rather blog!

Birthday... 40! Yikes

2009-07-06T07:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, so the birthday thing came and went!
Not what I was expecting in so many ways!
The family totally fell through, I thought for sure someone was going to throw me a "wake" and make everyone dress in black and so on... no such luck!
The only bright part to my birthday was YOU! You know who you are...
WOW...
A girl could get used to being spoiled this way! You have set the bar very high, and I only hope that I can do the same for you! Thank you again!
40 is the new 20 right???

so much to say...

2009-07-06T06:30:00.000-07:00

I will wait for you. It seems that when I share my emotions with someone, I end up getting slapped in the face. Why is it women build up so many walls when it comes to relationships?? Do men do the same thing?
I still believe in love at first sight... I still believe that there truly is someone for everyone!
I think we get caught up in all the bullshit about what's appropriate and what isn't in a relationship. I don't think enough couples talk about the REAL issues... like, who's going to cook dinner? Who's going to put the kids to bed? Who's going to mow the yard, change the oil, wash the clothes....and the list goes on. I think that couples who can honestly talk about what the expectations are are the ones that make it. The couples who talk instead of argue survive, those that remember why they are with that person in the first place.
Eyes tell the story... I think a few of you would agree, that you can tell exactly how a person is feeling just by looking into their eyes.
Question: Is there a difference between sex and making love??? I have always thought there was! I believe you can't make love to someone unless you are absolutely 100% in love with them??? And do you hurt someones feelings when you say that it's only sex?? The physical part is still there, just not the break your heart later, stomp all over it and pour salt in it to make it hurt just a little bit more, part! To me it is a very big step in a relationship to actually want to make love, you not only put the physical into it, but the emotional... you open yourself up and become vulnerable to that person.
I don't know, my head is all messed up right now, I don't know which way is up or down... the once confident, charismatic, don't need a man cuz I can do it on my own!... has been reduced to a blubbering, babbling, pile of girliness muck (yes, girliness muck is in the dictionary, look it up!). What's a girl to do???

1969

2009-06-23T16:58:00.000-07:00

http://www.music1969.com/

This is a cool site... need to figure out how to put the number on my actual post?!

Turning 40????

2009-06-23T16:19:00.000-07:00

Now that I have control of the computer, let me tell you what I am really having trouble with.... turning 40!
Where did that number come from anyway??? It seems like just yesterday that I was sitting at a bonfire hoping I wouldn't get caught drinking a wine cooler!
What happened to the time??
I feel like I have been cheated! I wanted to go clubbing more, listen to cool music and see the world... I wanted to attend at least one LOVE Fest in Europe before I was too old to go! I want to still go to a concert and not bitch and complain about people being in my way, while I sit my ass down!!!
I still want to experience the unending energy that I had in my 20's! I want to still have the energy to party all night and still make it to work in the morning without a 3 day hangover!
I still want to have sex.... and good 8 hour sex!!!!! Not this 20 minutes and then get the f*** off of me my hips hurt crap!
I know 40 is the new 30 but really... why do they make such a big deal out of it. You go to the party store and everything for your 40th is "Over the Hill"????
DAMN IT... I'M NOT DONE YET!!!!
Before you send me a comment telling me that age is how you feel.... YEAH I GET THAT!!! BUT I CAN STILL BITCH ABOUT IT! I have found that in the last year especially, things just don't move like they used to, bend like they used to, and parts of my body feel like they needs a lube job!!
I sure hope that we are reincarnated... cause I need to definitely do this again!!
I just hope that I can stay together long enough to find what I am truly looking for!!

4U

2009-06-22T00:16:00.000-07:00

You have bewitched me
body and soul
your eyes capture me
and hold me
your voice soothes me
and comforts me
your hands hold me
and keep me safe
your kiss...
awakens me

wondering what your world is like
what your life is like
what your true thoughts are
what it is you want out of life
I am in awe of your gentle nature and your kind soul
how you put others before yourself
and never question when a friend is in need.

laugh at myself...

2009-06-22T00:04:00.000-07:00

I appreciate all the wonderful comments from BA and Wonko, you guys are the best! You introduced me to the world of blogging and I love it. I just can't help but laugh at some of my self pity, loathing, depressing entries. Can you tell school was in and the kids were driving me crazy....
AAAAhhhhhhh but summer is here and like Wonko once said, teachers don't measure the year from January to December, it really ends in June and the new year starts in August. I can't wait for a new batch of minds to corrupt!!! LOL.

How much is too much

2009-06-21T23:52:00.000-07:00

How do you know when it's too much?
How do people get into relationships too fast or too slow?
Are there rules written somewhere that actually tell you what you should or shouldn't say to someone? Or should you just be swept up in the moment?
Why do friends tell you to take a relationship slow?? What exactly does that mean? You would think that at my age these questions would be simple to answer but there not!
Can you be honest to a fault? Can you say too much? Or not enough? Can you have all the hope in the world that this will finally be the one and then turn and run because you are too scared?
A friend told me the other day that I should learn to just let go...
I think I might have to actually listen to that friend and see what happens...

Still here

2009-03-12T07:55:00.001-07:00

The rains have not washed me away yet.
So much that I want to say, just not sure where to start.

How do you help a friend that doesn't want to be helped?
How do you save a marriage that has no love?
How do find love and compassion in a job that sucks it out of you every day?
How do you make sense of a world that preaches love, tolerance, and peace but doesn't lead by example?
How do we save the planet when we can't even save ourselves?
How do you look a child in the eyes and tell them everything will be alright, when you have some much telling you it won't?
Where is hope? What does it look like?
What is life supposed to be about?

Grammy's ...

2009-02-09T15:50:00.000-08:00

While I enjoy all kinds of music and respect musicians for their styles, there was one person on last nights Grammy award show that really made me sick!
Let me say that I think a pregnant woman's body is beautiful because of what it is doing, creating life.
But last night rapper MIA, who's ready to pop her baby out any minute, made me want to crawl through the TV and tell her, "what the F***"!
She was wearing this sheer black outfit with black hot pants and big white pokadots on her butt, belly, and bra! You had to see it to believe it! You know the outfit was one thing, personally I think her stylist should be shot! And if it wasn't a stylists fault, then she needs to hire one! But when she was singing with the rest of the "rappers" she was undulating her body like she was having sex... it looked completely disgusting!
Usually things don't get to me, I chaperon middle school dances for cryin out loud, nothing shocks me anymore but seriously... she should have a little more respect for herself and try dancing in a mirror first to see what it will look like to others before she does it on TV.
And has anyone in America really heard the Robert Plant song/album??? Never knew it even existed! Personally I think that Coldplay should have won the last award!

8 is enough...

2009-02-09T15:39:00.001-08:00

Correct me if I'm wrong, but most all women have only two nipples, right?!! I am not into women so I don't have a great reference bank, but I could swear I've never seen a bra with 8 cups attached to it!
What on God's green earth makes this women want to have eight babies at one time!!
When I first heard about this story I thought, "holy cow"! But now I am fuming over this issue!
This women from California already has a bunch of kids, why would she bring eight more kids into this world? She's single and living at home!!! From what I heard on the news, mom is kicking her out of the house because of this last round of kids born.
What was her doctor thinking?????
All I have to say is... she better not ask for government assistance!! She knew good and well what she was getting into and I hope she's got some kind of trust fund to help her take care of all those kids!!! Don't put it off on tax payers to help with those kids! I mean really!!! I can barely keep up with one, what makes her think she's going to be able to take care of 15 kids?
When are people going to get it... take care of what you can afford!

It's been a while...

2009-02-09T15:17:00.000-08:00

Why is it when you really have something to say, your computer decides to crap out!
I am going to try and address just some of the issues that are REALLY bugging me.
THE BANK BAILOUT...
If you loan money to a company to help them out, should you be allowed to allocate where that money is to be spent? I mean, should the government have to tell the banks where they should spend the "borrowed" money or is it a no brainer? Personally I thought the money would be used to invest in things that would bring the value of those banks back into black. I certainly didn't think the banks would pay bonuses first!
Now, I am a single parent working two jobs, do I want my hard earned tax money to go to some rich guy deciding to buy the condo in Florida or the Bahamas? NO!!! I have to decide which bill to pay and which one I can wait on 'til next month!
There were of course commentators on the subject and most were in favor of Obama's idea to make the banks pay back those bonuses, but there was one guys who thinks the government should stay out of the banks business!
He had the audacity to say that government has no business telling the banks where they can or can't spend their money! First of all, it's not their money!!! They had to beg the government for a handout! Correct me if I'm wrong, but the banks did not get into this mess because they were frugal and saved their money for a rainy day! The big banks have squandered money away to the point where hard working Americans were on the brink of losing their jobs and risking putting us into a worse recession than we are in now!
If any company has to go to the government for a billion dollar bailout, I think "we the people" should have a right to say where that money is to be spent!
It just sickens me to think that these banks can continue with business as usual while hard working people have to make decisions on whether to buy milk this week or pay for medications!!!!!!

I'll keep holding on...

2009-01-20T13:08:00.000-08:00

for something better.
Why is it the "older" songs still have so much power to say what you are afraid to say?

the past...

2009-01-20T12:02:00.001-08:00

why do people insist on talking about the past?
why is it so hard to move forward?
Are they telling you to justify themselves? Is it that by telling the story over and over again they begin to feel better about themselves? And when is it enough? When is it ok to say, "enough already"!
Romantic relationships seem to be full of justification! More than once I've heard, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". What do you do with that?
I have noticed with prior relationships that when the guy can't find what he is looking for, he comes back... why???? Those that don't come back, want to be "friends forever", why? The justification is always that the relationship was great while it was going on, and that we got along soooo well but let's just be friends now!!
I don't think any women truly wants to be friends with a guy that they were emotionally involved with, I don't think they want to hear about all the girlfriends, conquests, and listen to the inevitable question, "what do think I should do?".
I pride myself on being friends with almost all the guys I've dated, but I think I need to say that the idle chat, the shoulder to cry on, the voice that soothes your uneasiness must move on. Sorry.

Scent of a man...

2009-01-19T12:32:00.000-08:00

You know what drives me absolutely crazy......
a man that wears a cologne that absolutely punctuates his personality!
the one cologne that really drives me up a wall and makes my legs and everything else quiver, Carolina Herrera for men!!! Holy Cow!!!!
And when a man sweats, and he's wearing cologne (and deodorant)... McDreamy, McSteamy, and all the rest Mc's.... all rolled in to one!
I have never been the one that goes for a guy based on his looks... it's the smell of him that will drive me crazy!! Or away, if a man has bad body odor...I'm out!!!
Smell seems to enhance the sexual experience too... I'm not sure that guys realize this about women. I would venture to say that most women would prefer a man that smells good during sex. I don't know that they have done a scientific experiment on this or not, but I would be willing to bet that women enjoy the experience more when a man is wearing a cologne that suits who he is!
I must say though, the only cologne's that make me want to run the other way are musky colognes... don't know why, but I will turn and run at the smell of musk!
So, men be aware... wear it and they will come! No pun intended :)

To fart or not to fart....

2009-01-19T12:26:00.000-08:00

that is the question!
The older I get, the more tolerant I become of natural bodily functions! Why you might ask? Because they are happening to me at a much faster rate that I had anticipated! So... fart away!
I do think that people are still embarrassed by it, simply because you don't know if it's going to be a smelly one or not!
That brings me to another argument with couples, why don't they tell each other when something is not right? You would rather let your partner walk around with a nose hanger than simple motion that they have something hanging from their nose! Again I come back to the argument I had a few months ago about honesty. If you can't be honest about the little shit, how do expect someone to be honest about the big stuff.

No words...

2009-01-19T12:23:00.000-08:00

commercials...

2008-12-25T10:24:00.000-08:00

I just have to sit back and laugh every time I watch commercials! Especially around Christmas! Now I know that I can not be the only person on the planet that thinks this is absolutely ridiculous but, as I am watching TV a couple of days ago commercials start coming on for AFTER Christmas sales!!! Christmas isn't even here yet and already they are advertising for sales after! Do these companies think that we don't know that there is a DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS??? Do they think that we will forget???
It's bad enough that stores start to put out Christmas decorations before Halloween, but come on!!! Can't we just enjoy the season?? Isn't our economic system so much better than everyone else's!!!! Capitalism at its finest!
I don't know about you, but it gives me a sense of "hurry up, hurry up!!! before everything is gone!" And the next thing you know, you are sucked into the stores and the family stays at home and then your vacation is over!
Bottom line, can't advertisers at least wait until it IS the day after Christmas to start advertising??? Can't we just enjoy the holiday??? And whatever happened to all the holiday shows and entertainment? It seems to just be the same 'ol song and dance as before the holidays... I have decided I am going to unplug during the holidays, throw on some jams and just enjoy the season!

always the teachers fault...

2008-12-24T10:02:00.000-08:00

Why is it when you turn on the news and there is something on about a school they always blame the teachers??
School shootings always come back to somehow being the teacher's fault,"they should have known how depressed he was", "why didn't the teacher's do something about it?". When a school has not performed well on a state mandated test, it's always the teacher's fault!
I wish parents could actually see how their little "angels" behave when they are not around! I wish parents could hear the filth that comes out of their mouths, the lack of respect kids have for other adults! I wish parents could see how their kids refuse to work or bring supplies to school!
Somehow, all this and more is the teacher's fault!?
I would love to be able to have a video camera in my classroom, like the cop's have on their cars, so that parents and the general public can see just how unruly kids can be.
I personally think that school should be a privilege, not a right! I think that if parents were to have to pay for school, they would make their kids behave more.
Why do you think kids in private school do so much better... parents have to pay for the education! When you have to pay for something that expensive, you tend to want your money's worth!
I teach in a very low income, inner city school and let me tell you... most of the kids are very unappreciative of the education they are receiving. They think that everything should be given to them, they don't have to work for anything, and you should respect THEM, not the other way around!
Teacher's are nothing more than glorified babysitters who work their fingers to the bone and don't get the respect or the pay they deserve!
If you are lucky and get a classroom with mostly "normal" kiddo's in it, you might be able to get a point or two across! But if you get a classroom with a lot of Special Ed. kids in there... good luck!!!!
I teach 8th grade and have kids in my classroom that can't even read on a first grade level! How am I supposed to get that kid caught up in less than 9 months??
Our former leader came up with a brilliant idea of "No Child Left Behind" which translated to... every child needs to be in a regular classroom!! Any teacher will tell you that not all kid's need to be in a regular classroom setting!
It is frustrating to see what a child needs and know that there is nothing you can do for them. Paperwork takes forever, moving them to another "special" classroom is almost impossible, and leaving them in a "regular" classroom is detrimental to them and the other kids in the room, as these kids are usually the most disruptive!!!
I have had a kid that actually talked to dead people... I've had a kid that self mutilated... I've had kid's that openly recruit for gangs, I've had kids threaten me!
What are we teacher's supposed to do?? Why doesn't anyone ever blame things on the principal? the overall administration? the superintendent? the president??
Trust me when I say... teacher's do turn in kid's that they suspect will do harm to themselves or others. What happens though is the sea of paperwork and documentation that you have to come up with to get these kids any help or removed from the school is exhausting! Why does it have to be so hard?? What happened to the Paper Reduction Act?? What happened to Teacher Rights?? Why don't parents turn around and look at their own child and think, "yeah, he can be a pain in the ass!" and do something about it! I can't tell you how many times I have heard a parent say,"well, I guess it's your problem now!" or "I don't know what to do, I can't control him/her".
Yeah, this is what we have to put up with and more... so the next time you think teachers get too much time off, please remember...
1. we don't get paid for those days off, not even the summer!
2. we are usually grading papers, filling out paperwork, or buying supplies for YOUR kids or attending workshops!
3. we don't get reimbursed for: buying things for our classrooms, or when things get stolen, or when our tires get slashed, or when kids think it's funny to scratch your car up, etc..
4. we certainly don't get paid extra to do anything after 3:30pm like: watch football, volleyball, basketball, golf, or any other sport because the parents can't go, supervise dances, help out with fund raising events for the kids, detention after school, home visits, helping kids with their homework, etc.
5. we usually have to pay to attend redundant classes in order to keep our certificates to teach, of which we have to pay for those too!!!!!

Teaching needs to be a respected profession, like anything else! We can not and should not keep teaching because it's for the "sake of the children", we all need to remember that teacher's have families too, and they don't live on bread and water... and no magic fairy comes around and pays the bills and makes everything rosey red for the next day!!!

Advent Calender

2008-12-23T08:54:00.000-08:00

The best memory ever of my childhood!
Opening each door and eating that wonderful little piece of chocolate! Heaven!
It is ONE of the traditions I try and hold on to and share with my son.
World Market sells the calendars and they actually are reasonably priced. They also have lots of German candies and decorations! World Market also carries the Glu Wein, the wine you heat up and serve, a tradition at the Weinachtes Markt (Christmas Market)
Memories... one day I will make it back to Germany, hopefully teach in the DODD's system!

Almost Christmas...

2008-12-23T08:39:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas time, I just wish it would snow!!
Why is it things never happen when you're on vacation, they always seem to happen when you actually have to go to work??
I didn't buy a Christmas tree this year... and it feels kinda weird?!
We always go over to my mother's house for Christmas and put presents under her tree, so I didn't see the need to keep buying a tree that doesn't get used.
Am I dreaming or do you remember a time when the department stores and shops closed before the 25th and didn't open until the 27th??
I wonder how much stock people really put into Christmas, when the whole time they are off from work, they are out spending money at the stores??? Don't people ever just hang out with family???
I know I must be fairly odd, but I actually love hanging out with my friends and family! I love hangin out with my son, getting into philosophical arguments with my mom and sister... playin with the cutest nephew ever born!
Plus, I like to partake in a little holiday cheer called Alcohol!
Does anyone really remember what Christmas is all about????? Are people so busy that the only thing they think about are the "presents"?
I guess us Europeans just view things a little differently, seeing how we are just slightly older than the Americans! Maybe one day they'll learn to slow down and enjoy the simplest things life has to offer!
Love, Life, and Laughter is all that you need!

married men...

2008-12-13T21:58:00.000-08:00

Why is it so easy for some people to go out with married people???
Why is it easy for married people to cheat?
Is it acceptable to date a married man if the circumstances are out of their control, meaning an abusive spouse, no sex in the marriage, no love in the marriage???
Is it just that married men are safer for someone who is terrified of commitment? Or is it an issue of control???
Question, if a women cheats with another women, is it still considered cheating on their husband???
Why is it that men can handle that better than if they cheat with a man??
It's funny to see a married couple fight and argue over stupid stuff! You just want to go slap them and tell 'em, what the fuck!!
I think back to my marriage and often wonder what the fuck went wrong...
I thought I did everything right! Apparently not! I try and pass along advise to people who are going to get married what I thought went wrong with my marriage.
It's funny but I have this catholic priest that comes by my work (bartender in a restaurant) who brings these young couples to be married. He introduces me and just waits for me to give my "not so nice" advice to them, I often wonder why he does this? Is it because I am not afraid to tell them what marriage is all about? Is it that I ask them, "so who's going to do the laundry??" ?
Why don't they give reality classes before marriage, instead of these lovey dovey type classes??
I don't regret the divorce... I have had twice the fun in life than my x! Revenge is sweet when you look better than the current wife!!
So back to married men??? Good or bad??? Guilty or just don't give a shit??

Christmas anticipation...

2008-12-13T21:36:00.000-08:00

You know teachers look forward to Christmas break... more so than any other time (besides summer vacation) because it is the midpoint in the year. With the moon at it's brightest and closest to the earth, the kids are all crazy!! I think you could even say the teachers!! You would have to be a little whacked to put up with 150 of someone else's kids!
But I eagerly await the holiday... it's a magical time!
Since my family is German, we still celebrate the 'ol world way.
I still hold on to the memories of my grandparents and Christmas time, and hope to pass them on to my son.
Love, Life, and Laughter is all you need... I wish you and yours a great and intoxicating holiday season, however you may celebrate it.

catching up...

2008-12-13T21:18:00.000-08:00

I find myself trying to catch up on the last couple of weeks events...
and the only thing exciting to say is...
nothing.
In the real world, we had four fires and a few fights at school! Why is it hard to get students expelled from school when they are a clear danger to themselves and the rest of the student body?? I laugh because my son was suspended from school for having his hair too long. Yet, at the school where I teach I can't get rid of a student that threatens me! Students are free to bully, fight, set fires, and be a complete and total disruption to the learning environment of the entire class! Document, document, document... is all we ever hear in school! When will enough be enough???
I know you must be thinking, "well it must be your classroom management that's wrong", I can assure you that I am a pretty tough teacher and don't put up with anyone shit...
I wish I had the liberty sometimes to tell these kids exactly what I think... but when you have kids in your classroom that really don't give a shit about getting a free education, it makes you want to show them a bit of reality!!
One thing I really don't get is Christmas parties....
I have two jobs, and not one of them is having a Christmas party! I volunteer for a non-profit organization and we had a Christmas party... explain that one to me!
I am so glad to be appreciated by the people that I spend most of my time with!!!
Oh well, I had a great time at the non-profit anyway...

compliments of patrick10ghost (gamername)

2008-11-26T23:55:00.000-08:00

I just love this video and the fact that my son showed it to me is weird!!!11!1!!!?!?!?!
Power tools anyone??
Wonko, I promise I will stop now, but you have to admit...
it has a slight hint of seduction

Teenagers can be useful...

2008-11-26T23:46:00.000-08:00

I thought you guys might enjoy this one, courtesy of my son.

I understand...

2008-11-26T16:29:00.000-08:00

For a friend...
This song came to mind when we hung up today. I wish I could understand your frustration and torment, but know that I will be there when you need me.

I'm a dreamer

2008-11-26T12:14:00.001-08:00

Excuses...

2008-11-24T15:56:00.000-08:00

Why do men always seem to find an excuse for things?
If you tell them they have to cook dinner, the immediate response is... ok, is hamburger helper alright?
If you tell them to fold the socks... ok, but don't expect the socks to match.
If you tell them to take out the trash... ok, but can I finish watching this first?
If you tell them anything they have an immediate rebuttal for it.
And why is it if you tell them more than once to do something it's called "nagging"?
This is again... why I stay single, I'd just rather do it my damn self!

Can't stay long...

2008-11-24T12:07:00.000-08:00

Hold on to me love
You know I can't stay long
All I wanted to say was
I love you, and I'm not afraid, oh
Can you hear me
Can you feel me in your arms?

evanescence- my last breath

Touch...

2008-11-24T10:16:00.000-08:00

Such a simple gesture... a touch
It can send a thousand thoughts through the mind.
Ecstasy, butterflies, nerves, shame, and wonder.
Do we intentionally touch someone to get a reaction?
Do we want them to have that lingering thought about us?
A simple touch can tell so much about what a person is feeling.
Holding a lover's hand, caressing the fingers, or the small of the neck, can send a person into ecstasy! What has happened to the art of seduction? You don't see it that often anymore...
do we care now more about what people think than what we feel?

Music

2008-11-24T10:10:00.000-08:00

One of the greatest things we, as humans, have done is discover music!!
In the movie, "City of Angels" they ask the question to the people that have just passed on, what they will miss the most about being on earth...
I would absolutely miss music, I sure hope they have it in the after life! If they don't, then don't even bother coming to get me, I'll stay right here!

Laundry...

2008-11-24T10:01:00.001-08:00

Why haven't we gotten to the point of having robots do the mundane chores of life?
The Jetson's had a maid! Why haven't we gotten there yet?
If there are two things that I utterly dislike in this world it's laundry and grading papers!
If I could find a man that would fold laundry (especially socks) and iron... he'd be in like Flin!
I will find everything else in the world to do except those two. I will mow the entire yard, weed whack it, replant the flower bed, do the neighbors yard before I tackle laundry or grading papers! I'll even clean the entire house from top to bottom, mop, dust, vacuum, toilets, showers, and do general maintenance around the house before laundry and papers!
Needless to say, the laundry has won, and it is done!! Until next week...

Christmas anticipation

2008-11-23T16:34:00.001-08:00

Christmas is only four weeks away and excitement is already building.
Christmas is a time of magic and wonder!
I love this time of year because people watching is at its all time high. It's amazing to me how many people have forgotten the true meaning of the season. As you walk through the malls and stores stop and listen to people's conversations, you'll be amazed.
People get so stressed out about buying the right present for their kids, parents, friends, etc.. What ever happened to giving from the heart? Why do people not appreciate making something instead of buying something? The conversations are even better... "if you don't behave, I'll tell Santa not to bring you any presents!" Why do parents feel they need to threaten their children with this statement?? Talk about a kill joy!
I wonder how many people sit at home feeling sorry for themselves because they have no one?? Why don't these people go to their local red cross or non-profit organization and see how they can help deliver presents to kids or something?
Why do people get so selfish and depressed?? Is that what has become of this most magical time of year? People who sit at home and feel sorry for themselves?
I appreciate those families that actually laugh during this time and enjoy it for exactly what it was meant for, love, peace, and happiness!
oh yeah, by the way, we are skipping over Thanksgiving because Wal-Mart said so!!!!

So you think you know me...

2008-11-23T10:04:00.000-08:00

So you think you know me...
is it because I remind you of something,
is it because you see something in me
that reminds you of you?

Can you tell me what I've seen
is it the same as what you've seen?
Are my colors more vivid than yours?
Are your memories the same as mine,

Were you there to hear the cries?
Were you there to feel the pain?
Did you see the joy that quickly went away?
Do you feel the chill of a heart that has been broken?

Can you tell me how you feel when you stand next to me?
Can you feel what I feel when you hold me,
Do you think you know me?
I don't think I know me...

What's wrong with being single?

2008-11-23T09:36:00.000-08:00

Another funny chapter in my life... being single.
Why do my friends feel it is their mission to set me up with people?? Thinking they know what kind of man I would be interested in, hell I don't even know what kind of man I'm interested in! And it never fails that they pick the one guy that I would never have picked for myself! What are the odds?
You know I have found that being single has it's perks...
You don't have smell anyone else's farts but your own
You don't have to do anyone else's laundry but your own
You don't have to cook for anyone else except yourself
You don't have to listen to anyone else bitch about things except yourself
You can listen to whatever music you want
You can watch whatever tv you want
You can make a mess if you want...
You can have an orgasm whenever you want... so long as batteries and water pressure never ends!
You can go out whenever you want
You can hang out with whomever you want...

Being single allows you to sample a wide variety of the menu of life... but, if the man of my dreams ever finds me, well...

Honesty

2008-11-23T08:53:00.000-08:00

Why is honesty so hard? I find it easier to lie than to tell the truth sometimes...why???
Have we as a society made it so acceptable to lie that it is now expected??? And why do people get upset when you give them your honest opinion about something? I have lost friendships over honesty. When people ask me a question or want my opinion I give it to them honestly, maybe sometimes a little too honest. But then why ask someone for their opinion or thought if you don't want the god's honest truth? My sister tells me all the time to be more tactful when telling people the truth... but why?? Why not just come out with it and be done with it??
The human psyche is really weird... we long for honesty, but don't want to hear it. We get upset when we find out a friend or family member wasn't honest about something and don't speak to them for a while. I know of a friend that held a grudge against a family member for three years because of honesty!!!! Where's the logic in that...
I always tell people when they ask for my opinion, "are you sure you want it?" because I will tell them the truth!
I think of it this way... if you ask me, I will tell you. What do I have to lose?? Nothing, I'm not sleeping with you, you aren't paying my bills... so what the flip does it matter if you get mad at me or not for telling you exactly what I think!
Why do people worry so much about hurting someone's feelings?? I see this all the time in public education... it's a disservice to a student to keep telling them they can go to college, when you know damn well that they won't even make it past the SAT or ACT!!! We don't tell them the truth... find a job that you like and get good at it!
I have always been fascinated by watching people. I think it is interesting how we gather together, greet each other with hugs and kisses, and then start tearing each other apart.
Girls are the worst!! If a guy takes a girl out on a date and they go to a movie... she will tell him the movie was great, best thing she's ever seen and then go home and call her BFF and tell her how horrible it was! I know not all girls are like this, but most of them are! Why? Why do we tell our best friend that something looks good on them, when in reality it doesn't!
I know it is not only women that do this... and guys, if you were just a little more honest yourselves, you wouldn't have to jump the fence to mow the lawn, if you know what I mean!
I guess this would explain why people like to play Truth or Dare... because we would rather take the dare than to tell the truth!

Election 2008

2008-11-04T19:43:00.000-08:00

I hope this goes in favor of the democrates, but after watching the movie "uncounted" I don't think we will pull it off.
It's amazing to me how so many democrats are being elected into everything but the white house! How can that be... oh yeah I forgot, the election is rigged!
I think a one way ticket to some other country is in order... at least they still use paper votes in all other countries that still believe in the people having a voice!
Let's hope all turns out well in the election or I think we will have another civil war on our hands!
If you get a chance watch the movie, " uncounted". It's a real eye opener, as if we didn't already know that the last two elections were fixed!

Skunks

2008-11-04T19:34:00.000-08:00

Always be careful what you wish for... it will come true, maybe not today or tomorrow but one day, it will.
I have always wanted a skunk for a pet. I think they are just the cutest things... take away the smell of course. I can remember watching the Disney cartoons of Pepe LaPue (if that's how you spell it) and wanting a skunk of my own.
Well, the last month or so, I have had a skunk hanging around my house. Some people tell me they think it is even living under my house! I have a pier and beam structure, so there is plenty of room underneath to make a nice habitat for a skunk. I have a few spaces in between the outside cement skirting for a small animal to get through.
Apparently, something is really upsetting this skunk because it's odor has been permeating my house at night!!! The smell is God awful, to the point your eyes start to water!
So now I am forced to set out a trap to hopefully catch the thing and get rid of it! Yeah, how's that going to happen without getting sprayed and by the way... what the do skunks eat??? I put out cat food, I guess I'll see if I get anything.
So again be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. Although a de-scented skunk would still be cool.

Why is it so difficult?

2008-11-02T19:30:00.000-08:00

You know the older you get the harder it seems to be to meet people of the opposite sex.
You look for the tell tale sign of a ring, keep walking if there is one and if not you check out the rest of him. See if he's with a group or another female. Does he have any kids with him? and so on...
Why do I still hold on to the images of a guy from my 20's when I'm pushing 40??? Why is it harder to even strike up a conversation with a guy? You would think that with about 20 years practice it would get easier... but it doesn't! Do guys think this way too??? Do they have as hard a time as us girls?? Call me old fashion, but I've always believed that it should be a guy that approaches the girl! Should I change my way of thinking?
I am a sucker for a great smile and a really nice back! I wish guys could walk around without shirts on, Top Gun volleyball scene gets me every time!
Sometimes I think it's easier just to stay single and not mess with the whole thing. But then you get out in public and "it's raining men" everywhere!! God hates me... figures, he's male!

Air Show

2008-11-02T19:10:00.000-08:00

Today was the air show at Kelly. Amazing as always. Having grown up in the military, I miss it! There is nothing closer than a military community.
I was extremely saddened by the fact that Kelly is no longer a part of the military community. I mean I have known for years that it was sold off, but I just hadn't been there since it was a part of the military until today. And I can't help but wonder if the military had to pay to put on the show? What was once their own property has now been privatized and I just wonder who gets the benefits from the air show? How much did the military have to pay to put it on? Why do we let our defenses go? Wasn't this what led to fall of the Roman empire, among other things of course. We passed by some quarters where military families used to live and now it appears to be low income housing... why???
I have such fond memories of life on a military base... the company picnics, softball games, block parties, parades... what's happened to all that?
Why do our leaders feel like we need to privatize everything? Haven't we seen enough companies go belly up and mismanage funds and resources?
I had a lot of fun today and it made me realize that I would really like to be a part of that community again... know any really nice military guys??
Lots of families were there, many I am sure have no idea what it is like to see your loved one go off to war. Saw a few veterans... sad that they don't get the recognition that they deserve, especially the ones who fought in Vietnam!
What will it take for our country to realize that the military is the one area that we should put more money into and build it back up, instead of tearing it apart piece by piece!